UnpleasantlySexy

In anticipation of the upcoming releases of Harry Potter book 7 and Harry Potter movie 5, I have written a short story - a tribute - to this bajillion-dollar franchise. Enjoy!



ZIPPY GIBLET AND THE CANTANKEROUS WIDGET, PART I

This is the tale of a boy named Zippy Giblet. Zippy is a special boy, you see, because his parents, Roger and Yvonne Giblet, were once great magicians, but they were killed years ago by the evil sorcerer, Boohissscarypants (or as he's more commonly known: "he-who-did-that-thing...you-know...to-that-kid's-folks"). Zippy should have been killed, too, but for some reason, he survived - and to this day bears a scar that looks remarkably like a 1983 El Camino. The incident with his parents made Zippy a sort of celebrity within the magic-using community, so everyone knows about "the boy with the El Camino on his face."

Zippy was in and out of foster homes for most of his childhood, and had a long rap sheet of petty crimes, from burglary to possession-with-intent-to-distribute. He was arrested behind a Denny's eatery by a law officer posing as a pre-op hooker, and that was the final straw. Zippy was deemed a menace to society, and would have been sent to prison, if not for his age. Thus, Zippy was shipped off to Grebling's Last-Resort School of Magic and Stuff to serve out his sentence.

Zippy's first day of school at Grebling's Last-Resort School of Magic and Stuff was full of excitement. "Boy," said Zippy as he stepped through the massive front door of the school, "this place sure looks magicky." His enthusiasm was short-lived, however, for he soon noticed that all the other kids were staring at him. He walked down the corridor feeling really self-conscious, but there was nothing he could do - he was "the boy with the El Camino on his face."

Looking down at the floor, dodging the unsettling stares of all the other kids, Zippy accidentally bumped smack into a gangly red-headed kid.

"Oh! Excuse me!" Zippy said.

"It's okay," the gangly red-headed kid replied. "Hey...you're that Giblet kid, aren't you? The one with the El Camino on his face?"

"Umm...yes. Yes I am." Zippy answered.

"My name's Steve. Steve Skeezely. What's up?"

And with that, the two became fast friends.

From behind Steve, a girl huffed imperiously.

Steve looked at her, then turned to Zippy. "Zippy, this is Phlebotomy. She's a girl."

And with that, the three became fast friends.

Zippy attended his classes: Shrinkin' Things, Makin' Things Float, Potent Potables, and Changin' Things Into Other Things. Everything was just dandy, but he had one more class to go, One-Hundred-and-One Things NOT to Do with Your Wand, and it was taught by the scariest wizard Zippy had ever seen - Professor Two-Legs MacGillicutty. Both of Professor Two-Legs MacGillicutty's legs were bitten off years ago by a rogue unicorn. Ever since, ol' Two-Legs has clomped the halls of Grebling's on two prosthetic legs, waving his arms frantically...evilly...to keep his balance, frequently whacking students as he lumbers past. He also wore a lot of black, which meant that he could not be trusted.

It's been rumored that ol' Two-Legs was somehow involved in the death of Zippy's parents. As such, Zippy was already terrified of him. Upon entering the classroom, Two-Legs's booming voice shouted, "Zip-py Gib-let! Well, well, well. What an honor to have the boy with the El Camino on his face in MY class!"

He was being sarcastic. Zippy could tell.

Unable to think of something witty to say, Zippy found an empty seat and sat down. A few minutes later, he thought to himself, "Isn't it? Isn't it great? Isn't it great to have two real legs?" But it was too late - the moment had passed.

"Dang," thought Zippy.

And so things went for the next few months: Zippy, Steve, and Phlebotomy were inseparable, and they learned all sorts of magical things. Periodically, however, Zippy's El Camino-shaped scar would light up bright red and make a "wee-oo-wee-oo-wee-oo" sound, much like a police siren. Zippy didn't know what it signified, but it made Steve and Phlebotomy point and laugh every time. Man, that never stopped being funny.

It turns out that the evil wizard, he-who-did-that-thing...you-know...to-that-kid's-folks, is still alive, but only barely. The spell he used to kill Zippy's parents had, for whatever reason, backfired when he tried to use it on Zippy. Instead, he-who-did-that-thing...you know...to-that-kid's-folks temporarily lost all his powers. For a while now, his many evil followers have been helping him carry out his evil bidding: ordering his evil take-out, mowing his evil lawn, doing his evil laundry (making sure to separate his evil whites from his evil colors).

As of late (as recently as to coincide with Zippy Giblet's enrollment at Grebling's Last-Resort School of Magic and Stuff), his powers have been returning. Perhaps, in some strange and foreshadowy way, there is a connection between Boohissscarypants's powers returning and Zippy Giblet's fledgling magical abilities...

I dunno.

We'll find out in ZIPPY GIBLET AND THE CANTANKEROUS WIDGET, PART II.

Coming soon to a blog near you!



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