UnpleasantlySexy

I think I'm dying.

No wait...I think I've found a super-effective weight-loss program.

Yes, folks, I'm talking about our old friend, Mr. Stomach Flu.

The story goes like this:

A really nice person at work decided to pay for chair massages for all his buddies, including me, on Friday. I'd never had a chair massage before, so I was rather excited. When my appointment came due (a few seconds after that, actually, because it took me a bit to figure out how the chair was supposed to hold a human being), a large, well-muscled gay man named...well, I didn't get his name - I was too busy screaming, began to mash his thumbs through my spine. He asked me several times to let him know if he was mashing too hard, but in each instance, my only response was a gargling cry of pain and fear, partially muffled by the padded toilet-seat thingy he had me put my face through. So he continued, no doubt impressed by my squirming, my foot stomping, and my ability to bite cleanly through a vinyl pillow. Quite possibly the longest ten minutes of my life, that.

Once I had escaped, and after about an hour of convincing myself that somehow I needed that brutality, I started feeling a bit feverish. Fortunately, I had two really important meetings to go to, and it was entirely noticeable to everyone in attendance that I was sweating profusely and flushed. Good thing, too - I might've made a GOOD impression, otherwise.

Anyways, long story short, Julia informed me that deep tissue massage can sometimes release toxins from your muscles back into your bloodstream, thus creating flu-like symptoms that can last for several days. It's been three full days now, I've lost about twelve pounds, and I can honestly say that I'm genuinely tired of this. Bleargh.

But hey, I can fit into those old jeans! Yay!