UnpleasantlySexy

Two posts in two days? Is he for real?

Yes, folks. He is.

I've been reading all about hyphens, en dashes, and em dashes, and their various specific uses in writing. Blah, then blah, and some more blah. So here's something better than that:

There is a woman whose office is about 10 feet away from me, and she is starting to make me worry. Every day for the past week or so, at approximately 3 o'clock, her phone rings. She answers, then yells something to the effect of: "What do you mean?!? I don't give you--" right before she slams the door to her office. Though the closed door does muffle the screaming enough to prevent me from understanding it, I have come to suspect that, at some point in her past, she gave birth to several goblin-human hybrids, and they are attempting an overthrow of their mother's tyrannical government system.

This is all speculative, of course. She may not be the harsh ruler of a demonic parallel dimension in her off hours. Perhaps she undergoes a radical transformation every day, and the phone calls/retarded children are all just a cover-up for the truth.

Whatever the case may be, the other day, just after the door slammed, one particularly loud burst of expletives was followed by a bowl of M&Ms smashing against the glass pane next to her office door.

Now, her desk is a good 8 feet from her door, and she's usually behind it during each of these events. That implies that a bowl of M&Ms can indeed, when thrown properly, fly at least 8 feet without spilling its contents. Who knew?

The thunderous SMASH-then-clatter sound of the candy grenade startled me enough that I ripped a piece of foam out of the arm of my chair. So now my chair kinda sucks, and I'm seriously afraid of something Orc-like emerging from that office one day, hungry for my tasty man-flesh.

But that's not all. No-sirree-Bob. Not by a long shot.

Today, another woman who works near me asked if Amelie would be a good movie for her 13-year-olds to watch. I said, well, it's terrific, but the main love interest works in a hardcore porn shop. So probably not.

Orc-lady came rushing out of her office as soon as I said that to announce to the rest of us:

"I got some movies the other day that were [air quotes with her fingers] not for the kids [air quotes with her fingers], and the next morning I woke up to the sound of my kids yelling, 'Oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaawd! That woman's suckin' on that other woman's titties! Now she's pourin' champagne on 'em! Oh my gaaaaaaaawwwwd!' I never ran downstairs so fast."

Consider, for a moment, that she told this tale at top volume within earshot of about 15 people. She then started laughing and went back into her Orc-office and shut the door.

All but one of us (well, one woman just kept making this long croaky "Uhhhhhhhhh..." sound) were stunned into absolute silence for a good ten seconds, until I started snickering like a nine-year-old, completely out of control. The others soon joined in my childish giggling, and the weird tension dissipated.

I don't really care what kind of porn is your preference, and I like it that way. In fact, I don't even want to ponder the types of porn that may suit your fancies. I also fully expect each of you to NOT tell stories that reveal your particular porn flavor while you're at work.

I dunno. Seems unprofessional.

By the way, a hyphen is used to separate numbers that are not inclusive, such as telephone numbers, social security numbers, and product codes. The principal use of an en dash is to connect numbers and words, signifying up to and including, or through.

Gripping, ain't it?